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| Jeff Allen |
Part I: Advice for Planning Your Wedding Dance
By Jeff Allen
From Dancing USA - April / May 2001
Virtually everyone goes to a wedding at least once a year and for the dance
business nothing makes that phone ring more than this certainty! If you are
a dance instructor or studio, it behooves you to position yourself, as part
of your marketing scheme, to be responsive to this trade. Monday morning
the phone will ring, I promise, with at least one of two types of callers.
The first will be the couple that is engaged to be married with their date
set and the second will be someone who attended a wedding during the
previous weekend and found themselves stuck to their seat unable to dance
along with found memories of that "ONE COUPLE that danced all night!"
In this two part series, engaged couples will receive advice very similar to
the many email and forum responses I give daily on the Internet. Therefore,
these articles will provide an overview of how to successfully deal with the
wedding trade while at the same time is a resource for those planning their
wedding. PLEASE PASS THIS article to interested parties!
What is the symbolic importance of the Bride & Groom's first dance?
The "First Dance," as husband and wife should be memorable and emotionally
touching. Historically, the First Dance is symbolic of the consummation of
the wedding vows. This Dance is the wedding couple's first cooperative
engagement and joint endeavor. The newlyweds are placed on the road of life
together to fulfill their dreams and aspirations more importantly, to
complete each other as a human being. When the Bride accepts her dance with
the Groom, she accepts it for the rest of her life. The frame and posture
of the Groom when he proposes the dance to the Bride, speak of the source of
strength, love, companionship, and guidance he offers his Bride. It is no
wonder that the tradition of the First Dance has continued through history
as one of the most important facets of the Wedding Day. Preparation is
needed to make these moments as meaningful and memorable as possible.
Many weddings do not have a good plan for the First Dance during the
reception. (I will deal with what has become the most effective timeframe
for the entire wedding dance scenario later on in the next article.)
Consequently, a very beautiful time can come off as being haphazard, silly,
ineffective, and too lengthy impeding fun and participation for the guests.
This singular event becomes a missed opportunity that is regretted in the
future particular with wedding day videos and still photography.
How can you avoid missing the highlight of the evening?
You MUST learn to dance. Take lessons, study a book or a video, but do not
go out there unprepared. Many of you have donned the most expensive apparel
that you have ever worn, decorated a reception hall with flowers, colors,
and appointments to reflect the splendid atmosphere of your wedding and then
proceed to be introduced to all present as the stars of the spectacle. Yes,
the first dance is likening to a show! This is not a nightclub with
distracting or dim lighting to afford lovers or "wannabes" moments of
intimacy during a love ballad. I could be wrong but when we are talking
lights, camera, and hopefully some action, it is show time! Not a
professional show but a few minutes of simple concentrated rehearsed action
that in it of itself demonstrates the affections of the newlyweds and the
ability to cooperate with one another. This is not the time to just rock
back and forth in a huddled mass like two monkeys seeking shelter from the
rain! We have all been bored by this rocking style; I have seen guests'
even turn away from this monotony and begin chitchatting. No respect, oh
not 5 minutes of this again. After about one minute of being center staged
the Bride & Groom start to get that pained, "I can't wait for this to be
over look," not having realized they are in front of 200 people in a well
lit environment. A forced grin, "We should have done something and now it's
too late." Plan to do this several months in advance of your special day.
Take the opportunity to dance out in public at a club, cruise, or perhaps
someone else's wedding reception as often as possible before your big day.
If you do not have a special song, how do you go about picking one that is
perfect?
Let me begin by presenting my ideas about what a first dance song should be.
The song or lyrics of a song that really occur or define the moment when a
couple KNOWS they have fallen deeply in love. Think of your song as a
musical and emotional photograph that fulfills the time, place, and
circumstance of the realization of your love. When you hear this song you
can think of nothing else but spending the rest of your life's dreams,
hopes, and wishes with that special person.
Now that we have set the mood criteria for a couple's song ('Our Song'), we
must decide if it is danceable. The "danceability," of any given piece of
music is one of the main reasons I have created the Wedding Song Library,
(www.Quickstartbooks.com) Couples may check several of their choices with
the tempo, and the dance type or characteristic of any posting to the
Wedding Song Library. Then they learn what type of dance they must perform
the day of their wedding. The "danceability," of a slow rhythm ballad
becomes more difficult as the rhythm or tempo (Bars Per Minute) of a song is
reduced. In other words, the slower the song the harder it is for dancing.
If your selection falls under the categories of a generic dance like Waltz,
Foxtrot, Rumba then you must know it. Every song has a characteristic and a
specific dance type that requires some learning and a lot of practice. I
would like to tell you that learning to dance with some competence and
natural appearance is easy, but it isn't! What is easy is learning the
steps or choreography what is difficult is learning to move together.
When I am asked as a dance instructor and educator, what would be my
preference for a dance tempo I direct a couple toward the Waltz or Foxtrot.
These two narrow the selections down for the couple but more importantly;
when people learn a named dance, they have learned a life skill as opposed
to learning something just for a milestone date. They have afforded
themselves the opportunity to dance with a broader spectrum of people over a
wider range of time and circumstances. In keeping with this line of thought
at your wedding, both the Brides & Grooms will dance with a parent or
surrogate. This dance partner will be twenty or more years older than
either the Bride or Groom. It is my observation they are more comfortable
dancing a basic Waltz or Foxtrot with a standardized dance frame rather than
in a romantic dance position.
Having said this my research in creating the Wedding Song Library is based
upon a survey QQS Publications conducted a few years ago where engaged
couples by the thousands (past & present) submitted their personal dance
selections to a group of more than a hundred DJ's that were chosen and asked
to participate nationwide. From this we narrowed the list to 400 - 500
selections listened to each notating the tempo and most suitable dance type.
This arduous task would never be done again! The survey also yielded the
top 50 all time first dance selections as of 1997. The Wedding Song Library
has been maintained from that point. The revelation was that almost 90% of
the songs categorized were NOT of the generic type but what we would call
Slow Rhythm or Romantic Ballads.
This revelation could be perceived as a potential dilemma to the dance
profession for several reasons.
1. The elegance, communication skills, and art of ballroom dance is
lost to the no need for lessons swaying back and forth like teenagers at a
Jr. High prom.
2. There was no real curriculum for Slow Dancing so they were told to
change songs. Couples react unhappily to this and decide against lessons -
a need not met a loss to the dancing populace!
3. Engaged couples that selected a Romantic Ballad would go to a
dance studio to learn "Waltzing," for their 1st dance. They would be
introduced to that studio's curriculum for Waltz only to find later that it
was not suitable for their music. Over the period of years the term
"Waltzing," has become an idiomatic expression to convey the idea of slow or
smooth dancing and NOT the dance in ¾ time known as the Waltz, please be
advised!
4. In the case of a Father / Daughter dance the dad would be made to
feel awkward dancing at arms length to the music type generally reserved for
a romantic nightclub style becoming more perplexed, uncomfortable, and more
concerned than ever about this thing called ballroom dancing.
My personal solution to this was to write a book adaptation called, "The
Complete Guide to Slow Dancing." Using the curriculum I created for
romantic ballads, it incorporates an elegant ballroom style with suitable
figures and rhythm changes. Wayne Eng of Dance Vision and I co produced a 2
hour video adaptation of the booklet for studio and personal use. This
video and booklet package has had broad range acceptance, excellent reviews,
and seems to have filled the void created by the intimidation of slow
dancing with someone who is a non-romantic interest or family member.
Ballroom dancers and studio groups no longer have to sit one out perplexed
by which rhythm to use for a top 40 hit.
If we want to get dancing lessons before the wedding, when should we start
going?
My advice here is no less than six months in advance and make sure that you
have the actual song with you in a CD format. I recommend that any couple
that is embarking on such a serious relationship take dance lessons well in
advance of becoming engaged or tying the knot. Why, besides the obvious,
learning to dance successfully with another is very revealing. To be a
successful dance couple requires; cooperation, commitment, patience, and
forgiveness. These attributes must be found in yourself as well as your
partner. I have been teaching dance couples for over 17 years and I have
always been amazed at how revealing this process is about a student's
personality. So learning to dance together becomes a great life skill and a
revelation!
I HATEEEEEEEEEEE DANCING! Is there any hope for me? I am getting married
and my fiancée loves to dance.
Many people feel they hate dancing. Two categories exist: The first is they
do not know how. The second is that they have had a bad experience while
dancing or attempting to in their past.
The left side of their brain tells them they need to know how and their ego
may be telling them their going to look like a fool. This is particularly
true in men who are generally left-brain dominant.
In all scenarios, knowledge is the key! Knowledge always replaces fear and
you will be with someone you love. LEARN to dance and keep it simple, if
you are beginners restrict your wedding dance routine to half a dozen
figures. The leader will have a slower learning curve, as this is the
harder part. Pressure is generally relieved by simply knowing this and that
the expectation of spending more time to accomplish the same choreographic
level is to be expected and often desirable. It is incumbent upon the
follower that they prepare well in the area of body flight otherwise known
as the carriage of the torso so that they do not become a physical
impediment to the leader while he is trying hard to learn. An inexperienced
driver will always be safer and exhibit much better control in a Lincoln or
a Cadillac than that of a jalopy - the suspension system is all-important!
All too often women have actually intimidated men with these statements, "I
can follow anyone with a strong lead!" or "I already know how to dance he
needs the lessons!" I personally feel that it is NOT a natural or innate
experience to move well with someone attached to you and therefore everyone
needs lessons to partner each other. A red flag always appears if a
prospective student repeats some variation of these remarks. Unless someone
has actually had training in the art of partner dancing what they have
believed about themselves as a good partner may be subject to another
evaluation, it is always best to assume nothing and begin as equals. May I
also suggest a video or books to help you in the privacy of your home? They
will help provide a good overview of just what the process of learning
partner dancing is all about, faulty notions that may serve as intimidating
thoughts will be eliminated, and if your industrious actual lesson time may
be greatly reduced by pre-preparation which becomes a time and money
savings.
How long should you dance?
Many of the most popular first dance songs are over 3 to 4 minutes long.
Although three minutes does not seem to be a long time, when you are the
only couple on the dance floor it can seem an eternity! The optimum time
for a first dance should be 2-2:30 minutes long. Due to the length of some
of the songs popular among wedding couples, this will require some
coordination between the wedding couple as well as your D. J. Listen to your
song and find the verses that are most meaningful for you. Either you or
the D. J. should prepare an audiotape of the exact time duration that
pleases you with the verses you have selected. I often make these tapes for
my students who are about to get married. In this way, the newlyweds can
dance to exactly their preference including segueing more than one song. In
addition, by keeping the songs shorter and more meaningful, all attention
will remain focused on the dance floor.
In the next article we will deal with the issues arising from the common
occurrence of the non-nuclear family - who dances with whom and why. Also
covered will be the very best reception timeline and the order of the entire
wedding dance scenario.
Part II: A Funny Thing Happened on the way to our daughter's wedding: We
Learned How to Dance!!
By Jeff Allen
From Dancing USA Magazine June / July 2001
As promised in this installment of Planning Your Wedding Dance II, I will
discuss the major issues that arise from the remainder of the Wedding Dance
Scenario. What is consistent from wedding to wedding is that there will be
a bride and a groom to dance with each other, after that it often becomes
running by the collective seats of everyone's pants! Each week I receive
dozens of queries in the form of email, from those involved with planning
their own or a family member's wedding. These range in topics from music
for the Unity Candle Lighting to the Exit Dance by the bride & groom.
Concerns are frequently addressed about the diplomacy required of who dances
with whom, through to the tastefulness, or lack of it in my opinion, of the
bride participating in a dollar dance. The non-nuclear family has created
a myriad of possibilities that can lead to bad feelings if the wedding dance
scenario is not handled carefully. In this article I will attempt to lend
some rhyme and reason as to the whys and wherefores so you can have a great
reception with smooth transition and wonderful memories!
The Father / Daughter Dance
Here are 3 common examples of actual questions representing the best
cross-section regarding the Bride's dance with who would ordinarily be her
biological father.
Question 1) I have both a father and a stepfather and both are very dear to
me. During the wedding ceremony, they are both walking me down the aisle,
but during the reception, do I dance with both to separate songs or do I
only dance with my biological father? I do not want to offend or hurt
either of them.
Answer 1) Communication here is very important! The simple answer is
whoever is escorting you down the aisle gets the honor dance with the bride.
However in this case both are, it must be a very wide aisle (make sure 3
wide will work). Each man has his feelings about you and the dance itself,
etc. Approach each dad to see who would like the dance, or does it matter
to either of them who dances first, - that will make them both feel
important. At the very least they will both know that you are thinking of
them at this important time - and the help with your decision may come from
them!
Question 2) I'm getting married and my parents have been divorced since I
was 5 months old. Although I know my father there is no closeness between
us. Therefore, I'm having my older brother give me away. What should I do
about the father/daughter dance?
Answer 2) There are a few options in the situation described. You can:
1) Not have a father/daughter dance at all
2) Dance with your brother who gave you away
3) Start a dance with your father, and then finish the dance with your
brother
4) The Bride and Groom will have already danced so conduct a 'wedding
party dance' with everyone changing partners to dance with everyone else
(snowball dance) - and avoid the 'specialty dances' altogether. In my
opinion, if you do not want a father/daughter dance, there is no rule that
says you must have one. The only thing I would suggest is that omitting
just the father/daughter dance if you have the other dances (Groom & his
mom, etc.) may make some attendees uncomfortable. Therefore, you may want
to opt for one of the 'compromise' suggestions.
Question 3) I (the mother of the bride) will be escorting my daughter down
the aisle and giving her away. Her father passed away and he was the ONLY
other male that could have had a special dance with her. She is so very
upset that it will appear that no one cares about her to the new family.
The groom's dance with his mother will just make it more obvious. The two
of us have come through so much together but dancing together (as some have
suggested) just does not seem appropriate. I do not want it turned into
something humorous (also what others have suggested). Walking her down the
aisle and giving her away, in my opinion, is a mother's privilege.
Question 3) There are many touching queries like this and each requires an
answer coupled with compassion. I do agree that although it happens, I have
never felt comfortable recommending the Bride dances with another female
family member. I will never tell them not to do it but I do not believe
there will be broad based acceptance by those present at the reception.
There may even be those who are not courteous or polite, particularly after
a drink or two and apparently, your daughter does not need this type of
attention. At this time, the Groom's Dad can make a gesture of 'welcome to
the family.' The dance will conducted at the same traditional time alone or
collectively with the Groom and his Mom. This will certainly be both
touching, bonding. This dance moment will be well received by the Groom's
family and guests and should be a perfect way to fill what seems to be
emptiness for this important moment. The knot will have been tied at the
ceremony so she will in fact have a new Father-In-Law. It is an honor to
dance with the bride at this time and the Groom's Dad will probably offer no
resistance.
As noted these can be very sticky situations that occur during what most
girls would describe as the 'Most important day of my life,' they must be
taken seriously. The stress of these combinations and permutations of
juggling the Father / Daughter dance can begin to spoil the event for the
bride well before her day.
Brides-to-Be, once you have determined who will receive this honor dance
please do not forget that they too are nervous about dancing with you in
front of all those present. An emotional issue will arise for your Dad or
chosen surrogate about this dance and more specifically about the choice of
music. When this gentleman has danced to slow music in the past it has
generally been with a prospective love interest or indeed his life's love.
Dancing slowly with a daughter with whom he loves but certainly not a love
interest poses uncomfortable and awkward feelings. As I described in the
previous issue (April/May 2001), "Huddled together like two monkeys in the
rain," styling or lack of it does not work with a man's own daughter. Take
a few lessons with them or perhaps share "The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing
Video & Booklet," so that you can develop a common movement in a more formal
dance frame. The closer you get to the ballroom style dance position the
more comfortable 'dear old dad,' will feel. Men DO dance when they know
what they are doing!
A goodwill or value added policy for any studio would be to let the parents
of the bride or grooms attend the private lessons of the wedding couple once
the time is right. This type of semi-private lesson saves money and
promotes better dancing at the wedding. "A funny thing happened on the way
to our daughter's wedding: We Learned How to Dance!!" Now you have
increased your customer base.
The Best Timelines for the Wedding Reception
The wedding is a time of celebration, however, a lot of planning, time and
money has gone into those few short hours. I have no problem with a toast
with a bit of champagne after the ceremony but please warn the wedding party
against 'overindulging' before all the wedding rituals have taken place
(Introductions, dances, & toasts)! There is plenty of time for imbibing
after the meal when the socializing begins. It may even be a good idea to
appoint a "designated driver" for the wedding party. Do not let all your
hard work be ruined, or your guests made uncomfortable because of an error
in judgment on anyone's part. This includes the Bride and or Groom!
Have the service people avoid the dance floor while bringing food to the
table. If this is not possible because of size limitations
it is a good idea to have the DJ play softer music during the bulk of the
main courses service time. Spills and accidents happen with
drinking, eating, or being served on the dance floor so please be careful so
that the dancers will not slip and fall.
An announcement should be made about five (5) minutes before the entrance is
made to clear the dance floor and passageway to it for the wedding couple.
This will also give those guests with cameras and opportunity to get ready.
Under no circumstances should anyone, with the possible exception of the
photographer, be allowed to cross the dance floor when the
Wedding Couple's first dance is taking place or any of the relatives or
wedding party dance takes place. This is very disrespectful and
discourteous. In fact, no one should be moving at all after all, who wants
to watch a video later on that has recorded the sites and sounds of plates
clamoring and service personnel moving about?
Have the Photographer take candid photos during the 'important' dances.
Posing the wedding couple, or father/daughter, etc., is an
interruption to the emotional meaning of these moments. These posed
photos can take place later.
First and most importantly conduct the Bride & Groom's dance immediately
after their announcement into the reception hall from the receiving line and
before dinner! It is good etiquette for the King & Queen (Bride & Groom) to
open the dance floor. Your DJ or orchestra can play dance music all night
long rather than sleepy elevator music. Your guests will have a better time
for a longer period. It is common for the older guests to leave earlier in
the evening, unfortunately, without the opportunity to, 'cut a rug' when the
wedding dance scenario is left for after dinner. The music and its tempo
should become more youthful as the evening continues leaving the opportunity
for all to have a great time dancing or simply watching those who can.
Bride & Groom's, Parent's, Mom & Dad's, Etc., it is not necessary to dance
to the whole musical composition. Professional Ballroom & Latin dancers,
like me, doing a show select or edit a composition of no longer than 2 - 2
1/2 minutes per dance. Two minutes for beginners out on the floor by
themselves will seem like an eternity! Remember the longer you are out
there the more can go awry and you can actually lose the moment. For
instance, the Father/Daughter dance has featured and over used the song
Butterfly Kisses that last almost 6 minutes. Only the last 2 minutes or so
of the song deal with the wedding day, start there. I actually watched the
Groom and other Wedding Party members pine away with loss of interest when
the song began at its beginning. People are only human and even the best
intentions lose interest. This may require some extra work on the part of
the DJ but this should not be counted as exceptional or cost you more.
Toasting at the beginning of dinner during once the drinks have been served.
Toasts are generally offered to the Bridal couple beginning with the best
man. The Groom responds with a toast of thanks.
Others may be:
1. Fathers beginning with the father of the Bride.
2. Mothers beginning with the mother of the Bride.
3. The Groom to the Bride
4. The Bride to the Groom
Toasts numbered 1 - 4 may be best if done at the rehearsal dinner when there
are a large number at the reception.
I have thoroughly enjoyed the receptions that I have attended including that
of my own daughter Bethanie last year on May 13th when the Bride and Groom
danced before dinner and the Father / Daughter dance occurred after the cake
cutting. The Groom danced with his Mom immediately following the Father /
Daughter dance. This seemed to me and all present to give each of these
three dances their important moment. A general invitation was then given to
all of the wedding party and immediate family to dance. There were several
opportunities given to change partners and all had a great time without the
added pressure on those who did not dance well. Additionally, this was
quick so that the real party could begin!
A last reinforcement for the use of the above timeline, my second daughter
Jessica (who appears with me on the video, "The Complete Guide to Slow
Dancing.") will be using it for her wedding this June 3rd. It is no wonder
that I'm broke!
Until the next issue thanks for sending me all your kind words of support as
well as all those letters to the editor.
--
Please let me know if you purchase one of my books.
I will happily amplify any idea or
assist you further as you learn to dance!
Also, do not forget to check out the "Wedding Dance Music List,"
for your song selections and dance type.
You can find my song library, books, and the
perfect wedding dance video & booklet
"The Complete Guide To Slow Dancing,"
by clicking on http://www.Quickstartbooks.com
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